The Epistle
by Hikaru R. Kudou
Summary: Gaiden shounen ai. Goku reads a letter from Konzen. Kanzeon snoops around.


**Title:** The Epistle  
**Author: **Hikaru R. Kudou  
**Genre:** Parody, General, Romance, (slight) Humour  
**Warning:** Mild OOC, attempted humour, poor command of English, quite short, and other flaws I might have overlooked  
**Summary:** Saiyuki Gaiden shounen ai. Goku reads a letter from Konzen. Kanzeon snoops around.  
**DISCLAIMER:** I own the storyline, and the storyline only. Pardon me while I angst over it for a moment…

Author's Notes: I really hate it when ideas come to me in the middle of the night, because it just contributes to insomnia. Anyhow, I received a forwarded email from a friend; in it was a cryptic letter from a boy to his girl. The enigmatic content is meant to lead the girl's father astray. So, let's see how Konzen would fare in the situation, to escape from his prying aunt…  
You know the drill. Should there be any fic almost equivalent to this one, I apologize profusely. It is purely coincidental. And, if you're against the idea of two males loving each other, for the love of God please find the nearest exit and never look back. Chances are this story will give you nightmares, unless it somehow manages to convert you in the end.

= = =

Konzen Douji was sick of everything in Tenkai. Everything, from his busybody aunt to his endless stack of documents, papers, and whatnot. The only thing he could ever count on to maintain his sanity despite the abominable he had landed himself into was Son Goku, and the love he shared with the boy.

But, the hermaphrodite he had as an aunt was constantly lingering around him, wanting to keep up to date as to how her nephew was doing. And this was driving him off his rockers. Whenever he felt insanely stressed out, he felt the need to vent his aggravation out on anyone. Naturally, the name Son Goku was exempted from the list.

So he had devised a shifty plan to keep Kanzeon out of his long, flowing golden hair. That way, he could scream at her _and _make fun of her at the same time.

Hey, even he deserved some sort of entertainment once in awhile in his monotonous course of life.

With a devious smile plastered on his normally cold visage, he picked his discarded pen, one of the very few that was spared from his wrath and his involuntarily urge to break pens into two, and started scribbling with incredible momentum he never employed in his profession.

Then came Goku, accompanied by the ever horny Kenren Taisho, grinning from ear to ear in his signature style, and close behind him was Tenpou Gensui, also smiling by way of greetings to the normally moody and busy Konzen Douji.

"Konzen!" exclaimed Goku ever so delighted, hopping in the general direction of Konzen and his messy table. "Ten-niichan showed me another book today, and in it, I saw many pictures…Konzen?" Goku blinked, noticing there was a different side to Konzen at that moment.

"Hmm…" Konzen continued scribbling on the parchment.

"I see he's busy," remarked Tenpou, putting a consoling hand on Goku's shoulder. "Perhaps it's better for us to leave him alone with his work?"

"Tenpou, I've a better idea," jibed Kenren, who was leaning against a wall and scrutinizing his lover's façade. "Why don't they leave us alone so that we can do the things we always do when we're alone?"

"K-Kenren…" The Marshall's cheeks were slightly cerise as he stammered.

Konzen, on the other hand, sighed heavily. He knew there was no way for him to ever get any job done whenever Kenren was around, yet this was second only if Tenpou was with him. Hearing Kenren hinting suggestive themes about his Tenpou, himself and the activities they were so fond of performing in each other's company was enough to last Konzen a lifetime, if not succeeding in fueling that annoyance within him. Of course, Konzen had to struggle to prevent his acid mouth from shooting criticisms, and proving that he and Goku could do better, way better than the General with his Marshall.

But some acts were better unrevealed to the public, and left under the covers, literally.

"Konzen, are you okay?" asked Goku, clearly concerned. He had climbed over Konzen's chaotic desk, pushing a couple of papers aside thus sending them littered on the floor as he did so, to get a better view of Konzen.

Konzen placed his pen as he looked up, straight into Goku's questioning orbs. The presence of Tenpou and Kenren passed momentarily and conveniently from his mind, he gave a mild peck on Goku's succulent lips.

This motion never failed to bring joy to the shorter lad. "Konzen, are you busy?" asked Goku, feeling quite sorry for his lover, who was unfortunate enough to be burdened with this tedious and arduous task.

"Not really." Konzen applied a finishing stroke to his parchment before leaving his now warm chair, with Goku tugging on his arm. The blond deity glared at a grinning Kenren, who, as always, found this warmth on Konzen's part to be amusing.

Tenpou cleared his throat, salvaging Kenren's life by ending Konzen's death glare session before any serious damage could be done with a comment. "Goku's really catching up. If he keeps this up, he should be able to read in no time."

"Aa," was all Konzen could say, as he gave Goku a nod of approval. If what Tenpou said was true, Goku should be able to read the letter he just wrote for him…then, everything should go according to plan.

If Konzen was anyone else, he would have rubbed his hands in glee in addition to a nasty grin and evil glint in his eyes.

But since the letter was done, all that was left for him to get to _mission: accomplished_ was for Goku to read the damn letter in the presence of his meddlesome aunt who just can't make up her mind on what gender she should stick to.

That, and getting the other two superfluous spectators out of his room for the time being.

But Fate was cruel, because he could hear footsteps approaching. And, knowing her more intimately, no thanks to that damn thing called family ties, he knew exactly who his third guest would be.

"Ano kuso baba…" snarled Konzen under his breath.

"Oh, she's coming here?" asked Tenpou. "Should we leave?"

Konzen was about to give an affirmative answer, but he was a second too late. His irritating aunt was already at the door, and pushed the door open without a polite knock beforehand.

"Hello, dear nephew of mine…" The prominent Goddess of Mercy, waving, cooed in that deep voice of hers and smiling slyly. "Are the papers I gave you yesterday well on their way?"

"Hmmph," Konzen confirmed, sweeping the one irrelevant document he had on his table. "They're all done."

"Excellent," praised Kanzeon, in her nephew's opinion as he had heard many of its kind, flatly. "Jiroushin'll send you another bundle soon."

A blasé "Aa."

Kanzeon, finally noting Tenpou and Kenren in the same room, smiled appreciatively when they bowed in respect for the higher goddess. Konzen grabbed this golden opportunity to commence his plan, regardless of the reality that Tenpou and Kenren were going to be in it as well.

"Oi, saru…" Konzen called his roommate-turned-lover coldly.

Kanzeon chuckled in hilarity, taking the name calling as an affectionate exchange between her nephew and his prized lover.

"Hai, Konzen?" answered Goku quickly, not wanting to keep his sun waiting, thus testing his thin patience.

"I'm going out for awhile." Thrusting the ivory coloured parchment into Goku's hands, he delivered his next order in lower volume, foiling the others' plans to eavesdrop in their conversation.

Goku glanced in immeasurable perplexity at the folded paper and at Konzen. The blond shrugged coldly and before leaving the room, he said authoritatively, "I don't want you to miss my point."

"Yes, Konzen…" Goku stared at Konzen until he had shut the door behind him. Then he returned his gaze at the letter he held between his fingers.

"Hey, what do you think is in there?" asked Kenren, curious.

"That's what I'd like to know too," admitted Tenpou, fingering his chin.

"Ah, must be something my stupid nephew can't say orally," deduced Kanzeon. "So that's why he has resorted to this, shall we say, old primordial manner in conveying his feelings to Goku!" She gave a chuckle, obviously proud of her intelligence.

"Really?" asked Goku, his eyes, rejoiced, danced vividly.

"Oi, what did he tell you?" asked Kenren.

"Tut-tut," interjected Kanzeon. "Knowing him, he must've said not to let anyone else see this."

"But we've already seen the letter," Tenpou pointed out. "Although we have no idea what the content is, we do know of its existence. Something doesn't make sense…"

"You know how he is, Tenpou," said Kenren with a snicker. "Nothing he ever does makes sense."

"Yes, I know that, but…"

Before Goku could object, Kanzeon had expertly pulled the enigmatical paper from his grasps. With a slight toss, she unfolded it and since she was higher than Goku was, the latter was left hopping to reach for the paper she had held up in the air.

"Konzen warned me not to let anyone else read it!" Goku protested helplessly, but resilient in his jumps as they were getting higher by the minute.

"Kanzeon-sama…" stuttered Tenpou, somewhat hesitant. He felt sympathetic to see Goku's attempts came to nothing.

"Tenpou," said Kenren, pulling his arm. "I want to know what's inside that paper too."

"But Konzen's privacy—"

"He gave the damn letter to that kid right in front of us. It seems to me he doesn't care about privacy anymore."

Tenpou was silenced, but silence doesn't necessary mean yielding.

Nonetheless Kanzeon Bosastu was one who never let anything, or anyone stop her once she was set to have her way. "Konzen's my nephew! I have the right to know what he's up to!"

Naturally that did not stop the undeterred Goku from continuing his feat.

Kanzeon, ignoring poor Goku's torments, laid her eyes on the controversial paper. It ran: 

_"The great love I have for you _

_ is gone, and I find my dislike for you _

_ grows everyday. When I see you , _

_ I do not even like your face; _

_ the one thing that I want to do is to _

_ look at other girls. I never wanted to _

_ marry you .Our last conversation _

_ was very boring and has not _

_ made me look forward to seeing you again _

_ You think only of yourself _

_ If we were married, I know that I would find _

_ life very difficult, and I would have no _

_ pleasure in living with you. I have a heart _

_ to give, but it is not something that _

_ I want to give to you. No one is more _

_ foolish and selfish than you, and you are not _

_ able to care for me and help me . _

_ I sincerely want you to understand that _

_ I speak the truth. You will do me a favour _

_ if you think this is the end. Do not try _

_ to answer this letter. Your words are full of _

_ things that do not interest me .You have no _

_ true love for me. Goodbye! Believe me, _

_ I do not care for you. Please do not think that _

_ I am still your boyfriend."_

Kanzeon gasped in astonishment. Here she was, thinking that relationship between Konzen and Goku would persist despite all the impediments in their way, even in their next reincarnation. But the letter she just read! Her eyes were not failing her, indubitably, for nothing about the letter changed when she reread it to make sure. Yup, Konzen just dumped Goku.

What had Konzen been smoking?

"Oi," Kenren was saying to the clueless Goku. "What did Konzen say to you?"

"Ah?" Goku paused to recall. "He told me it's a secret."

"He said the letter expresses something he can never say directly to you, didn't he?" Kenren gave a wild guess, wilful to squeeze some answer out of the bewildered heretic.

"How'd you know?" Goku blurted.

'_Bingo!_' Kenren grinned triumphantly at Tenpou. "See, I've brains too!"

With a nervy smile, Tenpou sweat-dropped.

"T-This is outrageous!" cried Kanzeon. "That baka nephew of mine cannot do this to you!"

"He can't do what to me?" questioned a more bemused Goku.

"This!" Kanzeon pointed frantically to the letter, now almost crumpled. "That guy has no heart as he has no brains!"

"Has too!" contradicted Goku, coming to Konzen's defence.

Kanzeon, frustrated, shoved the letter somewhat violently back to Goku and with a vexed snort, she stormed out of the room, no doubt searching for her nephew to get some explanation from the, in her own words, "ungrateful, insensitive imbecile I have for a damn nephew".

Of course, it was not like she would procure any. Konzen would not give her any heed, much less filling her in. But there was no harm in trying.

"**** you, Konzen! I was doing you a favour and this is how you repay me!?" Kanzeon mumbled to nobody in particular.

Back in Konzen's room, the trio were numb, frozen until Kanzeon, both her figure and her voice, faded away. Then Goku stared again at the letter. But Kenren's crafty hands had grabbed it.

"Ken-niichan! Let me read it first!" shrieked Goku.

"Just a minute." Kenren focussed on reading as Tenpou leaned in to read over his shoulder. Like Kanzeon, they were dumbfounded.

"You're sure this is from Konzen?" asked Kenren incredulously.

"Well, it is his handwriting," observed Tenpou. "I'd recognize that sharp, precise and…rebellious scrawls anywhere."

Kenren gawked at his Marshall, then at Goku. "But this must be a joke!"

"Ah…"

"Look, man, I'm going to give that ******* a piece of my mind! This is not right! He can't do this to Goku!"

"Kenren, I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason behind all this…"

Goku solely gaped at them, and their exchange of words.

"I'm going to talk to him!" Kenren turned to a blank Goku. "Yo, kid, I'm helping you out, see? So you'd better be grateful to me." With a determined clap of his foot, he exited the room.

Tenpou, sweat-dropping again, handed the letter to Goku. "Gomen ne, Goku, for their…rudeness. Here, take your letter."

"Domo!" Goku, eyes sparkling, cleared the wrinkles and read with interest. Once he was done reading the final line, he blinked quizzically. He cogitated for a second, ran his eyes over the letter again, and finally broke into a grin.

"Goku?" asked Tenpou. "Why are you happy?"

"I'm happy because Konzen loves me!" exclaimed Goku. "I'm going to give him a nice, tight hug once he comes back!"

On cue, the door opened again, this time, by the tenant of the room himself.

"Oh, it's you, Konzen…" said Tenpou, relieved that he would finally know what was going on. That is, if Konzen would be kind enough to bring him out of this bafflement.

"Konzen!" Goku glomped the gaunt figure of Konzen, the latter unprepared. "I love you too!" In the process, Goku had flung the letter out of his hands, landing it on the floor in front of Tenpou.

Konzen, quite embarrassed by this sudden outburst no thanks to the attendance of a third person, only gave a nod and ruffled Goku's thick chocolate curls. He asked Tenpou, "Are they gone?"

"You mean Kanzeon-sama and Kenren? Yes, they just left. Looking for you, I might add."

"Good." For once Konzen was anticipating his aunt's next visit.

"Um, Konzen…if I may ask…there's a hidden meaning in this letter, isn't there?" Tenpou bent down to retrieve the letter.

"…Hmm." Konzen permitted Goku to pull him towards his bureau and after he had sat down, his obedient youkai settled on him.

"May I know, what exactly did you tell him?"

"What I wrote in the letter."

"Ne, Ten-niichan!" A genki Goku chimed in, tightening his hold on Konzen. "I can read between lines after all!"

Tenpou looked at the paper Subsequently he chuckled to see everything fell into place.

+ + + [owari desu] + + +

More Author's Notes: Actually, Konzen whispered "Read between lines" to Goku earlier. That means Goku was to read the odd-numbered lines—in this case, the first, the third, and henceforth.  
  
_"The great love I have for you  
grows everyday. When I see you  
the one thing that I want to do is to  
marry you .Our last conversation  
made me look forward to seeing you again.  
If we were married, I know that I would find  
pleasure in living with you. I have a heart  
I want to give to you. No one is more  
able to care for me and help me  
I speak the truth. You will do me a favour  
to answer this letter. Your words are full of  
true love for me .Goodbye! Believe me,  
I am still your boyfriend."  
  
_ Frankly, in this fic, I used the letter in the email I received with little adjustment, so perhaps that should explain that the letter above might seem a tad too sappy coming from Konzen…_  
_ This is a lame fic, isn't it? *feels a pang of guilt* Most probably it's because I've been so bored out of my mind and barely gave this fic any effort…Gomen!


End file.
